This week has been a little intense and it will probably only get worst from here. It make me nervous saying that, but it’s true. I’ve had some time to just think and contemplate life (I know that sounds hilarious) in a present time, future plan kind of way. A lot of people have been asking me lately if I plan on staying in Florida after I graduate in May or they’ve just kind of assumed that I was going to stay in Indiana. Well, after weeks of contemplating, praying and just learning a lot about where I am right now and where I need to be, I think I am starting to see God’s answer.
A couple of months ago, I clearly remember telling some of my friends and family members that without a doubt Florida is still one of my top choices to come back to after graduation. I mean it’s where I grew up and well…it’s FLORIDA! Who wouldn’t want to live here? But, as I’ve been praying about it and just really trying to listen to what God is telling me and even showing me…I’ve decided that it’s probably not where I’m being called to after college.
It has taken me a couple weeks to get a clearer answer, but I feel more content with the answer I feel like I’m getting now. I’ve been learning about myself a lot lately and what my triggers are, what annoys me, what builds me up, and what I need to stay emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually healthy. But as I’ve come to my conclusion, I know that Florida probably isn’t the best place for me after college. I’ve learned this past summer that I’ve let myself separate a lot. I still have a lot of friends here, but I don’t really have many great friends here. I have a great church here, but I don’t really attend there anymore. I have a great family here, but we are different and the changes are becoming harder when we are together.
It’s hard for me to even think about not being able to come back for a couple weeks a couple times a year. But after this summer, I am pretty sure that this is what I need. I’ve missed my friends, my school, the environment, and really everything about Indiana. It’s weird. I know. It makes absolutely no sense. No one moves TO indiana…they move to FLORIDA. But, I think Indiana is now where my heart lies, or at least in the Mid-West. I’ve seen myself these past couple weeks and just compared myself to where I was before I left for college and before I embraced myself into Taylor University. The people I’ve met, the places I’ve traveled, the teams I’ve been on, and the home I had has shaped me to be the person I am today. But the best part of it all is that all the people I have been living with also grew with me. Coming home hasn’t been the easy. Everything is exactly where I left it, and I can’t handle that life anymore. I’m not saying that I’ve grown more than anyone else in my family or my friends here. But I am saying that I’ve grown in a completely different direction and it’s a difference that I just can’t explain to someone one over a couple weeks.
I know that I’ve grown apart from my family, and I now know, after this summer that my values are drastically different from theirs. I know that my brain is different from them and I know that my attitude towards some things, my motivation towards life, and my worries are all different from theirs. Don’t get me wrong though, I’m not saying, having all the same opinions on things make for a great future, because they don’t. What I’m saying is that I’ve gone down a different path than my family and I don’t want to turn around now. I’m growing so much away from Florida, and I want to continue growing. I want to spend more time with the friends that I’ve made at Taylor and I want to learn what it’s like to be an independent young adult, who has a decent paying job, who has to pay their own bills, and who has to work for what they believe in. I want this. I need this.
God has been showing me so much lately! For instance, how my opinions and values are so different than my family’s and how that is actually hurting our relationships. I’m not saying I’m right, or they’re wrong; all I’m saying is that we are different people, who have grown up differently. I don’t know where my family is going to be within the next 10 years, but I know where I want to be. I know that in order for me to find my dreams and become the person that I know God wants me to be, I must try hard to be independent somewhere else. I don’t want to give up my dream, I have a chance to be anyone. I have a chance to let God shine through me anywhere in the world, and I want to make this change.