I’m not quite sure what to name this blog title, so I’m just not gonna name it. It’s to difficult, plus I don’t actually know what this blog is really going to be about. It’s really just me processing and thinking through some things.
Today was my first day off in a week and it was so well beyond needed, it’s a little ridiculous. This week has probably been the worst out of the entire summer, and I’m just so happy to say that it is over. Having the day off today and finally going to church (after a month) and spending time with some friends that I haven’t gotten to see in a couple weeks has been awesome. I realized today that I need friends, family isn’t the people who fill me up…they are the people who can drain all my energy. It was interesting to learn this week though that I need friends and I need physically present friends. It’s been really hard this summer, trying to talk to my boyfriend and my friends through weekly (if that) G+ or Skype dates, and it’s really not something that has been helping me. It’s been great to talk to those people, but in a way I’ve learned that those Skype dates can be draining and incredibly detrimental at times. It’s hard to be here while the rest of my friends get to be together and it’s really hard to be excited for people, when all you want is to have their lives.On a positive note though, I do think that every G+ date that I’ve had with my boyfriend has been pretty great, makes me miss him, but it’s just… great 🙂
But besides learning that I need physically present friends to be built up, I’ve also been learning what it means to rely on people. I know for the entire summer, I’ve been having a really hard time being home. And I don’t think it’s going to get much better, it’s always going to be hard for me to be in Florida without my friends from Taylor, but I need to learn how to not rely on people, but rely more on God. Clearly, I’m still trying to figure this out…because I just learned that this is a HUGE problem of mine right now…so I’m not going to write much about this. However, I do definitely need to work on my relationship with Him. I realized today at church that I’ve been blaming God and getting really angry at God a lot lately for sticking me down here and for allowing my friends to all have the opportunity to see each other this summer. But today, when I got to church some of the things they were singing and saying… just got to me, and it was although God was shouting at me, “Hey, why do you stop thinking this is your life and realize that it’s mine and I am not against you…I’m just trying to help you rely on me”. At first I was like…duh, I know that…we’ve been trying this for years God…but then I don’t know why but it actually hit me. Relationships are incredibly important to me, probably the most important thing to me in the world. I love people, everyone knows that. But what they don’t know…is that I am nothing without people. I am a mess, I am broken, I am completely worthless without people. But this isn’t the way I can be anymore. I’m going to continually have these moments when I hate God and I hate my life if I don’t give my life to God. If I don’t learn to rely on Him instead of people…I’m not going to make it. This summer, I think I actually reached my lowest point and I have no one to blame but myself. I can’t think that I need people to survive this life, because I don’t. What I do need is God and I need to learn to rely on Him and be satisfied with Him and His love. I need to stop finding value and love and worth in friends because I can’t find it all there. I will never be satisfied with them and the way I feel with them…as they are not God.
Now, I’m not saying that I have any clue what I’m suppose to do with this newfound knowledge I just know that this is a problem I have with my relationship with God lately/since forever. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how I can change this…all I need to know is, I need to be different. I need to learn how to love God first, and to love what God has created second.