The ugly.

I have a most hated word in my dictionary. Every time someone says it, I cringe. But why do I hate it so much? Well, it’s because it’s my number one problem with myself. Not to many people know about this problem within me and only a few people have actually had the courage to confront me about the situation and challenged me in my attitude. But never have I actually talked to a friend about just how bad my jealousy can get. 

Jealousy really is the breaking point of me. It’s where everything goes wrong, it’s where the lights get turned off, it’s where the worst side comes out. I’m definitely not proud of my jealousy and it’s something that I’ve been trying to work on for the past few years but it’s still my biggest struggle in life. You might think I’m being a little dramatic on that last part with my “biggest struggle in life”, but trust me I’m not. If you actually know me and my heart, you would see that it is true. 

Jealousy is what tears my down. It breaks the relationships I’m in. It ruins friendships, family bonds, interactions with people. It kills emotions, times spent together, good memories…it ruins it all. And it’s just because I don’t know how to handle my jealousy. 

I’m not sure where the root of all this started and I really don’t want to think about how long it’s been this bad, as I know that it’s been a while. Even writing this is actually hard to think about. As I sit here and type out this post, I’m just thinking of all the jealous thoughts that I have right now and that I’ve had this summer. It’s been full of jealousy, but I didn’t do anything about it. 

I was told to process a situation earlier, and I haven’t really had a time to do it until now. Which is why I’ve come to the topic of jealousy. I feel as though every situation in my life is self explanatory (not an excuse) as to why I do the things that I do, or feel the ways that I do in certain situations if we just think of the word jealousy. For example, currently I’ve just gotten really upset with a friend of mine because we’ve been having a rough time keeping in contact this summer. I’m super jealous because he’s made time for others, but not for me. Every interaction with him and other people makes me incredibly angry. It hurts to know that he isn’t taking time to talk to me, but I think what hurts more is knowing how jealous I am about the other people involved. They get his friendship and they get his love, while I am stuck here…listening to it all. But then…how do I tell a friend that. “You are making me super jealous with your other friendships, why don’t you ever talk to me as much as you talk to them? Why am I any different?” I really don’t understand what I’m suppose to do with jealousy though. Like I said earlier, I’ve tried to work with it. FOR YEARS I’ve read books, I’ve done devotionals, I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed. But nothing. I still have no idea why this is my number one problem in life. 

It hurts to realize that this is how bad it’s gotten. To say that this summer, I’ve tried to neglect  some friendships or at least points of friendships so that I can focus on someone loving me, instead of myself being jealous. I tell people I need to live in the “here and now” but that is only because I need to learn how to not be jealous and my only way to cope with it lately is to excommunicate myself with the people that I’m jealous of. 

Numerous times this summer I’ve ignored people and I told them I couldn’t talk to them, and that was only because I was so jealous of the life they were living. Jealousy is the root of all things bad this summer and I know that. It’s jealousy that is hurting almost every relationship that I’m in right now, and that is starting to scare me. I don’t want to be jealous of things that I have no right to be jealous of, and yet I’m still jealous as ever before. 

How do you deal with something like this? 

How do you deal with the ugly sin of jealousy? 

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This entry was published on August 16, 2013 at 4:50 am and is filed under Uncategorized. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post.

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