Do you ever have those moments in which you talk to someone about your life and then realize how confusing life has been for you? This week was definitely one of those moments. For some reason after talking to my best friend from home today, I started to realize a lot about how I had been feeling about so many different situations that had been happening this last week. Most importantly though, I have been missing my emotions when it came to a specific situation that I didn’t once think I thought to much about. I didn’t realize that I had such discomforting feelings about a persons possible outcome to a story about a friend of mine. I had no clue that I had negative feelings about how someone might react to a story that is a bit shocking, and I can’t believe that I would have that opinion of them before even giving them a chance to hear the story first.
Sometimes, I get concerned about what I think of others and what I think of their views. I know…that’s kind of a silly idea to think about: being concerned about the judgement of others. But I think this is where I’m at right now. I know I’m being super vague about what is going on, but I don’t even know if I could type out the situation for myself to see because I am so in denial about my feelings towards this situation that I’m talking about. I feel as though I’m judging a person for something that they don’t even know about yet. I’m judging there reaction even before they know of a situation. Why do I do that?
Why is it that when I hear one opinion from a person, even if it was said in a sarcastic or joking manner, about a situation, I assume that they meant it in the worst way possible. Why do I think the worst of situations. Beyond that though is why am I prejudging this person for something that they might react completely okay and normal to? I’m so confused of the feelings that I’m feeling right now and I’m just confused as to why there is prejudgment going on right now. I’m so worried that this person, that I love so much, will hurt someone that they love so much and that they will run from the situation.
What if the person being told of a hard subject shuts down and doesn’t want to talk to anyone about it? What if they just stops talking to all of us all together? I don’t know what to do, and yet this person doesn’t even know the situation yet? Why am I skipping the option of them handling things the way I want them to, or they way I had hoped they would? Why am I stuck on one simple comment that someone made about something that wasn’t even said seriously?
WORDS ARE POWERFUL.
No matter how you say something, I think to some extent the fact that you say it is enough. I wonder time and time again if the statement, “there is a little bit of truth behind every joke and every just kidding”. What if this is true? Am I okay to be prejudging this friend of mine? I guess what scares me beyond that is how I”m going to handle the situation whether the person gives a positive or negative remark. If the person reacts positively, will I show them that I love them and that I’m here to talk to them if they have any questions or will I just let them handle it on their own. Or if they act negatively will I be with them and hold them while they feel the pain of the hurt in this world, or will I just let them run away from the situation? What I’m going to do in the situation might be just as bad as what the other person is going to do, and I’m not sure how to handle that as well.
The way we act towards others, and others act towards us is huge. Especially when it comes to hard and dramatic situations. But I know it’s the friendships and the conversations that happen after the hard stuff that makes everything easier. Without processing with my friends, I don’t know where I would be in the situation, I don’t know how I would handle that. But with this person that doesn’t know, I don’t know if they are open enough to talk and process with their friends and to understand what is going on within their own head.
I hate knowing stuff that other people don’t know, especially when I want to process with the person who doesn’t know. I think this past week has taught me just how hard it is to to keep something from others that you are working on trust with. How am I going to tell someone that I’ve known about this situation, not for long, but I’ve known. I just want to talk with them about how I’m feeling and I just want to know how they are feeling. I want to be with them (at least at this moment) no matter how they handle this, and I want to tell them that I love them and that everything is going to be okay.
Why can’t everything just be okay? Why do we have to have a world that is broken?
I hate sin.