Sometimes I wonder if everyone has the fear of living alone, without any friends or loved ones once they leave their place of security (college for me). I know I’ve been thinking about it a lot but just recently, as I enter my last semester of college, it’s hit me more and more. To be completely honest, I’m not ready to say goodbye to Taylor or conclude the chapters of my life that completely changed me.
I have so many fears of getting a job where I don’t know anyone; of leaving my friends, my boyfriend, my family, everyone. What if I don’t have anyone in the next chapter of my life? I know I’m not suppose to fear the future, for the future is to much for me to handle. But at the same time, it is so incredibly hard for me to not know the future. I hate the part of me that wants to plan every detail of everyone’s lives. I hate knowing that not having every day planned out for the rest of my life is the worst feeling in the world for me. It’s hard and it’s probably the fear that will overcome me if I’m not careful.
The fear of loneliness is the one that will break every part of me. Emotionally I’m already a mess when I think about the future. My mental state is incoherent and doesn’t understand changes at all. My physical self literally just get’s sick everytime I think about it. And then spiritually, I just get angry at God for even considering changing the way things are.
How do you conquer fear, when you feel it’s already conquered you?
This is a question I don’t think I’ll ever know the answer to, nor will I be able to give a blog idea as to how to even begin to answer that question. I don’t know where the fear is coming from and I don’t really know how to control or contain it. Sometimes it feels like every part of me just wants to quit and hide in a box somewhere. But I know that’s not the most logical idea.
How do I conquer this fear that is controlling so much of me? How do I come to God when I feel the deepest pain I’ve ever felt? How do I listen to people who give advice when they are the ones I am worrying i’ll lose?
Not knowing the future is painful and as of right now I have no idea as to what it looks like. Being present isn’t helpful. It’s more hurtful than anything. Seeing the people everyday, that I’m worried about not seeing after graduation is hard. What if this doesn’t last? What if I don’t see them when I’m done at school?
Will this fear conquer me completely? Do I even have a chance to change? Have I already been conquered?